Review: Jack’s Blow Job Lessons

I still want this to be a joke.  Like…after I hit the publish button, I’ll get an email from Jack and he’ll be all “Gotcha!  You think I’m a pig but I’m really just hilarious!  In an awful way!  I can’t believe you fell for that!”

But it’s not a joke.  This shit’s for real.  And yes, it’s shit.  And here’s how it started…

Hello,

My name is Jack.

I’m the author of a popular guide called “Jack’s Blowjob Lessons” ( you can Google it ), I ran into your blog and I believe that your readers might find my guide valuable.

Please tell me if it is possible to write a guest article on your blog and/or do you write book reviews? If yes, I can send you a copy.

Thanks in advance,

Jack

Now honestly, that’s not that bad.  A lot of companies send out mass impersonal emails to bloggers, trying to get them to review their shit.  However, they’re generally not so lazy/cocky/douchey as to TELL YOU TO GOOGLE THE PRODUCT THEY WANT YOU TO REVIEW.  I can Google it?  Thanks, Jack.

I didn’t have to, though.  I was already familiar with Jack’s Blowjob Lessons, as I wasn’t the first in my circle of bloggers to receive his email.  So I’d been to his site, which I refuse to link to in this review (because obviously YOU CAN GOOGLE IT).  And I’d read his pitch and all of the “testimonials”.  So when my inbox was graced with the presence of this email, I was torn.  Part of me wanted to take a page from Epiphora‘s book, and tell him exactly what I thought of him and his site and his book.  But part of me wanted to agree to the review, so I could actually read it…and then tell him exactly what I thought of it and him and his site.  If it isn’t clear by now which path I chose, please stop reading my blog and never come back again.  Thanks.

So I sweetly responded, told him I’d love to review his book, and thanked him for considering me.  Because I’m that kind of bitch.

First off, even if this BJ guide was full of magical information that was truly new and helpful and awesome, you’d still have to pay $47 for a fucking eBook.  That’s fucking ridiculous. It would be ridiculous if it were an actual fucking book as well, but it’s not.  It’s a goddamned PDF.

Secondly, Jack is an awful writer.  Like…truly horrific.  There are a lot of errors in this book.  Also, something that annoys the fuck out of me…there are several instances of him saying “I probably should have mentioned this before…” or something along those lines.  Dude…you wrote a book.  You can edit that shit before you publish it.  If you “probably should have mentioned this before”, go back and fucking mention it.  You have that power.

But how’s the content?  Ugh.  Shall I just toss out some quotes?  Of course I shall.  Emphasis mine.

“Let me tell you why I wrote this book… do you have any idea how most of you girls give head? Nine out of 10 blow jobs are – absolutely shit. Out of those 9 – probably more than 5 think they’re “amazing at giving head”, the other half are honest, shy and AWARE (which is very important) that they suck at it. Now these are the girls that I wrote this book for. They (you) deserve to learn how to REALLY give amazing head. You girls are honest and brave enough to admit that you’re not “that good”… and that’s great, I truly appreciate that. You have to be honest with yourself if you want to learn anything in life. You deserve to learn… but the girls that think that “they’re amazing” – wow, they’re completely clueless. I feel sorry for those girls, and even sorrier for their boyfriends and husbands, or whatever. Fuck them, they’re stupid. They live in an illusion. Just because he came doesn’t mean it felt good. Whatever, their problem.”

He truly appreciates your honesty and willingness to learn.  And if you think you’re pretty damn good at giving head already, you’re wrong.  And stupid.  And he feels sorry for your significant other.  YOUR PROBLEM.

Oh, and then there’s this…

“Then one day, at my friend’s party I hooked up with an older girl, Jessica, she was 17. I acted like a complete jerk for no apparent reason – and then… suddenly we’re in the toilet and she’s unzipping my jeans!”

Because ladies love jerks.  And the message we should be sending is that being a dick will get you laid.

“I even got married once (I divorced her when she refused to give me head – No, it’s not a joke. Yes, I’m serious).”

AWESOME.

“And I love women, but I could never fall in love with “a woman”. (Except for a few times).”

What?

“… thank God I did find them, and I fell in love with them, these girls were like angels – I wake up, I slowly open my eyes and I see her sucking my dick and smiling – now, is there a better way to start a day? I don’t think so.”

You fell in love with them?  But you just said…ooooh… “except for a few times.”  I get it.

“Buying this book is probably the best investment you’ve made in the last few months. I’ve put a lot of work into it and I hope you enjoy it.”

Fuck you.

That’s just the beginning.  All of that comes before “Part 1″ of this gem.  We haven’t even gotten to the advice yet

Speaking of advice…it’s not that great.  Definitely not $47 dollars great.  It’s demeaning and misogynistic and what’s not can be found by…you know…Googling shit.

Some of it’s also fucking confusing.  And he’s a big fan of anal sex. Nothing wrong with that, but here’s a representation of what a lot of his blow job advice ends up looking like.  In meme form.

Also?  Can we please stop comparing sucking dick to licking a lollipop or eating an ice cream cone or whatever?

“Imagine you are sucking on your favorite ice cream, slowly kiss it with passion, lick it with a moan…”

Is that how you eat ice cream?  Because that’s fucking weird.

He also does a lot of “all of you girls…” generalizing.  And “all guys will love this” generalizing.  Also, there’s this…

“Blow jobs are in some way a method to convey male dominance over the female. It is natural for a man to be dominant in sex, and by giving him a blow job you are showing ultimate submissiveness – and thereby giving him ultimate pleasure. Remember girls – this is NATURAL, that’s the way it should be by nature. So forget about feminism when giving head.”

Yep.  Girls (never women) should display ultimate submissiveness.  IT’S THE NATURAL ORDER OF THINGS.  Oh, and he really doesn’t like feminists.

“And be feminine… you have to be a real woman, not some feminist. I don’t know how a lot of you girls got the impression that guys love tough, dominant chicks – no, we don’t. And the guys that tell you that only tell you so you’ll think they’re nice. These guys make me throw up.
No, we don’t want a manly woman; we want a woman to be a real woman, feminine, gentle and loving – and most importantly sexually submissive to her man.”

“It’s an expression… men wouldn’t admit this and many don’t KNOW this – but what they subconsciously desire is a “Slave to the grave”, a woman that will treat him like a KING, suck his cock all day, lick his asshole (for real), sexy, submissive, not too clingy.
On the other hand – what he have today – is a TON of feminists or FEMINAZIS as I like to call them – they hate men, they are ugly, bald, hairy and have butcher hands and they want a fucking STERILE WHIMP of a husband. And what did they get out of this whole movement? They created a generation of men raised by women, a society full of guys that are lost in space, that watch soap operas and cry like retarded monkeys. And NOW all the REAL women can’t get a “a GOOD MAN”. No wonder “A good man is hard to find” – you destroyed half of them!
Now there may be less chauvinists and more women rights – but come on… enough is enough. The feminists fucked up all you gorgeous ladies reading this now”

So yeah…that’s nice.

Oh, and girls should suck cock with “complete passion and love”.  He’s like a weird, blow jobby life coach.  Like if all of Tony Robbins’ tapes were about how much giving good head would improve your life, he would be this guy.  He’s all about “the winner attitude”.  I shit you not.  It gets its own section in the book.  And he is sure to mention that none of the other wonderful advice he has to offer will do shit for you if you don’t possess this “winner attitude”.

There’s also a section on deep throating written by a former porn star who may or may not exist, and it’s just as awful as everything else.  And don’t even get me started on the FAQ section.  It’s longer than the damn book.  And it’s full of more awful.  But even worse, no matter what question is asked, it’s pretty much the exact same chunk of awful regurgitated over and over again.  Oh, and you should do anal.

So…a lot of this book is just laughable and chauvinistic.  But some of it is also dangerous.  According to Jack and Tanya the Possibly Made Up Porn Star, the only way to get better at sucking dick is to get out there and suck and  as many dicks as possible.  Oh, and don’t use protection, because that shit doesn’t feel good, yo.  And it’s super hard to get an STI from sucking cock.  Just ask Jack.  He’s had his dick sucked by 1,246,jesusfuckidon’tbelievethis different women.

Oh, and he gives advice in the FAQs to some possibly underage ladies.  GOOD JOB.

So here’s the thing…if you want to give a better blow job, don’t buy this fucking book.  Seriously.  I’ll fucking stab you.  Talk to the person you’re blowing.  Crazy concept, I know…but people are different, and like different things.  Uncomfortable talking about it?  Well, get comfortable…but until then, use the internet…it’s free!  Also, feel free to ask me anything.  I can give you some tips and tricks that work for me, or I can point you to some actually decent resources.

Oh, and be sure and check out these awesome cats.  They’re reviewing this piece of shit as well, and I bet they’d be open to any inquiries you might have:

Insane Hussein Reviews – her post went live yesterday (2/2/2012)

Sugarcunt Writes – read this tomorrow (2/4/2012)

Scarlett Seraph – read this Sunday (2/5/2012)

And to play us out, Epiphora